Review of Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl

Why am I posting a book review on Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl?

I love books. I love reading. I wish I had more uninterrupted time to read. I used to have a quiet house (or dorm room) where I could curl up in fuzzy blankets and devour book after book. Now I have children running around who frequently need my attention so I have to be much more selective about what I attempt to read because my time is more limited. Such is the life of a mom!

Back to the question at the beginning… I have seen many Facebook statuses, Pinterest pins, and blogs referencing the book Created To Be His Help Meet lately. I don’t know if there really has been a large increase in the postings compared to before or if my attention has just been drawn to the references whereas it wasn’t previously. Regardless, I feel compelled to write in response to what I have seen among friends who I love and value. Knowing others, like myself, do not have unlimited time to read, I hope this post will give them food for thought as they decide what to do with this book that has been (unfortunately) highly recommended by many well intentioned and precious women (myself included at one time).

I will start with the good aspects of the book, but please do not miss out on the concerns I will address farther down.

What I like about the book:

1) Although I believe that Peal greatly lacks the grace and compassion in her language and approach that should characterize a follower of Jesus Christ, as someone who also does not claim to have the "gift of encouragement" I am at times refreshed when someone gives a hard message even knowing it may not be popular. She makes no apology for calling people out on their sin…neither does Jesus…and yet there needs to be grace rather than just law (this will be addressed later in my review).

2) All of us know wives who strive to be their husbands' Holy Spirit, CEO or mother. We know wives who are extremely selfish, always cranky and can never be pleased by the man they chose to marry. Those women need to hear, in no uncertain or flowery terms, that what they are doing is a sin and will only lead to further heartache and problems. Pearl does not let women get by with having sinful attitudes, actions, reactions or thoughts. Thank you, Pearl, for calling sin "sin." (But please don't add to the list of sins.)

3) I can’t argue with Pearl’s list of hardships (p29) that a woman could potentially experience with the divorce that she is working inevitably toward. Even when the husband is in sin, the wife is not given permission to act sinfully in response and may suffer unpleasant consequences as a result of her chosen actions and attitudes. This is a major theme in Pearl’s book. When faced with struggles in marriage our emotions may initially be anger at the betrayal. However, our response needs to be petitioning the Lord for the power to forgive, to endure and to be restored whenever that is possible while realizing that things may still end in divorce (hopefully only when biblically allowed rather than just out of spite and hurt feelings). God hates divorce, not because He enjoys seeing people in loveless marriages, but because He knows (better than Pearl’s list describes) the deep destruction divorce causes to everyone involved. Divorce distorts our understanding of God’s never-ending, unconditional love and grace lavished on His bride. Don’t allow yourself to go down a road of mounting bitterness towards your husband (“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5).

4) Keep in mind, Pearl is writing to the wife. She is not writing to the husband. It is so easy for us to say in anger and frustration, “But what about him!” Each of us is responsible for our own sin and our own reaction to being sinned against. How can a woman expect to control (or discipline) her husband if she has no control over herself and has not submitted to the Lordship of Christ and laid down her pride before His throne. Yield to the work of the Holy Spirit in your own life before making demands on another (“Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” Matthew 7:3…not that the stories in her book showed mere sawdust in the husbands’ eyes, but the point still remains that we are responsible first to confess our sin before the Lord and allow Him to change our hearts.)

5) Pearl gives plenty of good encouragement and advice to be diligent as a wife and mother at home. Again, there are many women, myself included way too often, who are lazy with their responsibilities and are more concerned with entertainment and personal pleasure at the expense of caring for their home. If I am spending all of my family’s money carelessly, watching too much TV, reading Facebook too much, etc. and am not doing anything about the mountain of laundry then there is a problem. I am not a fan of the pictures that says, "A messy home is a happy home" or "I will clean when the kids are grown; right now we are playing outside." Yes, there needs to be a balance in life, but I get tired of women (myself included) thinking that it is acceptable, even funny, to habitually shirk their work. Pearl doesn't let that attitude fly, and I appreciate that. Should we uphold a spotless home as a godly home? NO! Absolutely not! Is it wrong to play with our kids and let the laundry wait at times? Not necessarily. Moms should enjoy their children and spend time with them. But the question each person should ask is, “What is my habit and attitude in this area?” Evaluate whether your priorities are God honoring or habitually self-serving.

On page 183 she makes a good point about the difference in attitude between how to go about raising cows versus how we should be raising our children. A person would be satisfied caring for the basic needs of the utilitarian farm animal, but to train up and care for children should be done out of deep love and commitment to them in all manners of life.

Now For the Bad…

I am alarmed by some of Debi Pearl’s teaching. I critique every book I read and note the good and bad in the margins – only the Bible is inerrant – so when I read this book, along with a few friends, I followed my typical practice. Here is where I insert my advice to predominantly read the Bible so that you are able to evaluate other books according to scripture…even if it is a book by John Piper or Albert Mohler! I am in no way claiming to be wiser or more discerning than they are but am merely acknowledge that we all have flaws which require us to rely on the Lord’s grace rather than the law and to rely on His Word of Truth rather than the opinions of people (even though highly respected and endorsed).

The following points are some of my concerns that I was quickly reminded of by reviewing my notes in the book margins.

1. When reading the Bible
Pearl proudly stated that her husband, who supposedly knows Greek, always goes first to the KJV when he really "wants to know what God says" (p53). The problematic implication here is that the KJV translation is better than the original. Now, I don’t personally know Greek so I have to rely on using a trustworthy translation and many Bible study helps for the original languages when a debated issue arises within a text, but my concern remains that her statement is not a wise or intelligent one to make and would have been better off omitted from the book. Moving on...

2. Taking Scripture out of context
A prevailing concern of mine is the tendency of many believers and nonbelievers to take a single verse or small passage out of context and use it as support for their personal opinion rather than allowing the Bible to speak as a unified voice to give interpretation and application to individual passages. I’m sure all of us have committed this error at times. Sometimes the conclusion reached is indeed a biblical truth but cannot be extrapolated from that particular passage but would be better supported by a different passage. Other times people use a verse out of context to “prove” their unbiblical idea or theology. The latter is my concern with Pearl. I believe she has, on occasion, taken Scripture out of context as support for unbiblical views.
1 Timothy 2:14 – see #3 below
Revelation 2:20 – see #4 below
Proverbs 22:6 – see #11 below

3. Adam and Eve’s created nature
Pearl states that Adam "could not have been deceived" by Satan in the garden (p107). That is reading a lot of bad theology into a 1 Timothy 2:14 which does not say he couldn’t be deceived but just that someone else (“the woman” - Eve) was instead. This theology has huge ramifications not only for husband/wife and man/woman but also for our understanding of the nature of sin in humankind. It is a serious problem when people add something (even by implication) to the biblical text. That alone should make everyone reading the Pearls’ material extremely cautious to check the scripture themselves to make sure the Pearls’ are not, yet again, adding to scripture.

4. Jezebel – What was she condemned for in the Old Testament? She says, in reference to Revelation 2:20 that "Any woman who defies the scripture's prohibition against women teachers in the Church is following in the grave tradition of Jezebel" (p112). That is not only taken out of context but teaches an oversimplification that is taken too far...but I will not get into that issue further here at this time. You can read the Scripture references to Jezebel in the context of the books and chapters for yourself to learn what her sin entailed.

5. The spiritual woman and her identity
Proverbs 31
She pushes the line on #3 above again when talking about Proverbs 31 by singling out what is not listed in the passage, asserting that the "modern spiritual woman" who has a quiet time, is a prayer warrior and is a teacher is more like Jezebel (p114). That falsehood should not need further explaining, but just in case some have bought into that lie…

Socially Desirable Qualities versus A Heart After the Lord
While Proverbs 31 is a fabulous passage for women, it is not the full extent of what our lives as believers should entail. Each of the things listed could characterize a non-believer just as easily as it could a believer in Jesus Christ (with the exception of verse 30 “a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised”). Our character and behavior should not merely equal that of a moral and hard-working heathen but should grow ever increasingly to mirror the heart of Jesus Christ. This is only accomplished by grace as the Holy Spirit works in us through our regular communion with Him in His Word, in prayer, in participation in the Body of Christ, and in ministry…again, by grace not by works…as we abide in Him and He abides in us (John 15)

Growing in knowledge, wisdom and the counsel of the Lord
     “True worship of God is not dependent upon other people or special circumstances, nor does it require a       time of meditation… Remember that the sin of Eve was to seek deeper knowledge and to be like the             gods. Independent of her husband, she sought to go deeper. Her ambition was personal spiritual                   fulfillment, which is the most selfish drive that can possess a person and the easiest to justify, humanly             speaking. It is the foundation of all sin and rebellion” (p181).

Eve’s sin was not that of desiring spiritual knowledge or fulfillment apart from her husband. On the contrary, she desired her husband to attain it with her. Rather, her sin was that of desiring spiritual knowledge and fulfillment apart from God. Scripture tells us that “the fear of the LORD” is the beginning of wisdom (Psalm 111:10, Proverbs 4:7, Proverbs 1:7). We should all have “the fear of the LORD” so that we would truly recognize His holiness, awesome power and authority over our lives.

The Lord desires for us to draw near to Him and to grow in our knowledge and understanding of Him. This is not a selfish ambition but is the desire to seek a deeper relationship with the One who saved us in order to worship Him in spirit and in truth (John 4:22-26). We must accurately and intimately know the One to whom we bestow our worship. John Piper’s book Think: The Life of the Mind and the Love of God is a fantastic study on this subject.

If all you can do at this stage in your life is to “read the Scriptures just a few minutes here and there throughout the day, and meditate on what you read as you work” (p181) then do at least that for now. However, in disagreement with Pearl, if you are too busy to spend half an hour of focused time in worship each day then you have your priorities out of order in favor of household duties or other pursuits (Confession: I am convicted of frequent wrong priorities in this regard).

Working at home / being a wife
      “Seek to serve your family by tying your little one’s shoe strings, reading a book to your toddler, telling a        simple Bible story to the whole gang, and making sweet love with your husband. These are the things            God counts as important in knowing and loving him.” (page 182)

All of the things she mentioned are nice ways to serve your family, but they are not what God counts as most important. Hopefully it is obvious that those actions are not what give a mom, wife or daughter of the Most High God value and purpose in life. In Matthew 28:19-20 Jesus called His disciples to “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.” In Acts 1:8 we read the setting where this ministry is to take place when Jesus says, “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth." For a wife and mom that starts in her own home, but it should not end there. This will be addressed further in #12 below.

6. Can a woman teach? If so what and to whom?
After the issues addressed above in #3 and #4, Pearl attempts to set herself in contrast to the Jezebels and claims to "never publicly teach doctrine to anyone, men or women" (p121). Um, I think there has been a lot of theology (some good but most bad) in the book already. Pearl, is it ok for a woman to teach or isn't it?

Wherever she, or others, take a stand on this highly debated issue, it is crucial to be consistent with the applications of the conviction. If she does not believe women can teach doctrine to men then fine; she has a lot of good company within that position. However, to say she does not even teach doctrine to women is not true and not unbiblical to do even in the view of complementarians. If it was sinful there would be no gospel-oriented ministry available for women.

Titus 2:3-4, as she references at the top of the same page quoted above (p121), is a great passage for women, but just as we saw with the Proverbs 31 passage, (see #5 above) those traits can be taught to a non-believer just the same as a believer. Those characteristics are good, but on their own they do not speak of the Gospel of Jesus Christ when stripped of their purpose for believers found in the doctrines of scripture. The qualities listed for men and women are equally meant to be “fitting for sound doctrine” (Titus 2:1). Solid doctrine and the listed character qualities and practices must go together otherwise you are left with carnal acts void of the power, grace, love and Lordship of Jesus Christ.

Titus 2:1-5 (NASB)
2:1 - But as for you, speak the things which are fitting for sound doctrine.
2:2 - Older men are to be temperate, dignified, sensible, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance.
2:3 - Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good,
2:4 - so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,
2:5 - to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.

7. Damaging advice to certain women over whom she holds influence
Pearl supported a wife's decision to remain fully engaged in a marriage relationship with her husband who routinely visits prostitutes (pp126-127). I can only assume she would expect the wife to personally provide him with sex as well since that is a wife's responsibility which she expects to continue regardless of circumstances as seen repeatedly in her book. I firmly believe marriages like that can (but may not) be restored. However, this husband’s sin should not be hidden and allowed to continue unchecked as the wife turns the other cheek while regularly subjecting herself to the ever increasing risk of STDs. The Bible says sex in marriage should not be withheld except for a time of prayer (1 Corinthians 7:5), and this is an excellent example of an occasion to take a break for prayer (and intense Christian counseling)!

This is not the only instance of dangerous (in my opinion) advice in the book. However, I have not taken the time to search out page references for additional examples for this book review.

8. A double standard of expectations for husbands and wives
Pearl has a double standard in the way a husband and a wife can and are expected to respond to each other. She denies imposing a double standard (p139), but her repeated choice in wording reveals the truth.

Wives: She believes a wife should “reverence” her husband regardless of his worthiness because God has placed her in subjection to her husband (p127 and many other pages). I am not in disagreement with this on the surface, but I do believe there is a way to respect him while still being used as iron sharpening iron.

Husbands: She says that a husband cannot and should not be expected to ever cherish and accept his wife if she is less than lovable (p115, 138 and others). Of course, it is wise to remember the Proverbs concerning nagging and foolish wives (Proverbs 21:9) and not make life unnecessarily difficult for husbands.

We are all (regardless of gender) accountable to respond with obedience to God, empowered by His Spirit not merely our own efforts, regardless of circumstances. If God has the power (which of course He does) to soften a woman's heart toward her cheating and abusive husband then He also has the power to soften a husband's heart toward his nagging and manipulative wife, despite what Pearl implies. Wives do not receive added grace from God which is not made available for husbands. I believe the double standard in Pearl’s expectations is clear.

As Christians we are called to respond to one another with the grace and forgiveness that Jesus has bestowed on us. This leads into the next point.

9. Absence of the Gospel of Jesus Christ throughout the book
The real problem above is that this unfeasible (according to Pearl) unconditional love of a husband for his wife is illustrated at the very heart of the Gospel message – a message which is critically lacking throughout this book. The good news of the Gospel is that the Groom (Jesus Christ) loved His bride (the Church) even when we were yet ugly, ungrateful, disrespectful, self-centered, arrogant, and dead in our sin and complete depravity.

Thank You, Lord, that You did not wait for me to clean up my act before initially loving me. I could never be worthy of Your grace and loving-kindness (hesed)! Thank You for continuing to love me even when I return to my unloveliness. Thank You for clothing me in Jesus’ blood and righteousness! I was unworthy, but
"Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing." (Revelation 5:12)

      Ephesians 2:4-9 “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even         when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been               saved -- and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that         in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ           Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of           God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”

10. Friendships among women
Some people in reviewing this book have failed to take what Pearl said about friendships with other women in context with the letter from the woman to whom Pearl was responding. The woman in the letter does have issues, attitudes, priorities and theology on worship that needs to be corrected (p180-182).

However, Pearl does need to realize that our crucial biblical relationships are not limited to husband/wife. That earthly relationship was intended to illustrate that we are ultimately part of the bride of Christ, the Church. As individual members of the Church we make up the Body of Christ, brothers and sisters in Him, children of the Most High. Those relationships will be eternal whereas our earthly marriage will have its end at our earthly death (Matthew 22:30).

Pearl is wrong in the focus of her rebuke. God does intend for us to have friendship with other women. There are countless passages of scripture where close earthly ties are mentioned and treasured both for men and for women. After all, we are the Body of Christ and cannot do life and ministry alone. We need each other as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17) to spur one another on toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:23-25). Now that does not mean your girlfriends should be your primary relationships if you are married. In marriage you become one flesh (Genesis 2:24), and that intimacy should be valued, established and prioritized as a reminder of our preeminent relationship as the bride (the Church) of the Groom (Jesus Christ). The Bible speaks extensively about the need to come together in corporate worship as a body of believers. The early church not only meet for a corporate worship service, but they prioritized breaking bread together (Acts 2:46) – this was not only speaking of participating in Communion but was speaking of the fellowship and friendship they shared as a family of believers who shared life, and meals, together. That is still important now even for women.

Even as we acknowledge the importance of the Body of Christ and corporate worship, we need to remember that we do not need the physical presence of a close, female friendship (or our husband) each time we enter into worship, scripture study or prayer. We are all part of the priesthood (1 Peter 2:5) and do not need an earthly mediator if we have been saved by the grace of our heavenly Prophet, Priest and King (Hebrews) whose death split the temple veil which had previously prevented direct access to the Holy presence of God.

11. Child raising responsibility
“Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

On page 182 Pearl quotes Proverbs 22:6 using the passage to make the claim it is a mother's responsibility to train up the children because she is to be a “help meet” to her husband, and it is his responsibility to go away from the home to work. The problem is this passage was written by Solomon to his son not to his daughter. Her use of the passage is not faithful to the biblical example or context. The idea of the mother being the primary parent who does all of the teaching, training and raising of the children is more of an industrialized age alternative for child rearing. Pearl had to take scripture out of context in order to fit it around this historically new idea of family roles and responsibilities. Yes, men were created to work, but they were also held personally and primarily responsible for passing on a godly heritage to their offspring - that was not something they were able to delegate solely to their wife any more than mothers should delegate it to day care workers or Sunday school teachers. Fathers, train up your children!

12. What are we to “train up” our children to do?
On page 183 Pearl gives her answer to this question:
      “Training up a child means showing them how to: make corn tortillas, pedal a tricycle, make up a bed,            put toys away, cook for forty people in one hour, read, demonstrate respect for others, and a thousand        other wonderful things.”

That answer breaks my heart because, again, she misses the Gospel message. God isn’t concerned about what we know how to do academically nor is He concerned about the life skills we have mastered nor is He concerned if we have good table manners. God's primary concern for our children is NOT with outward appearance, physical ability or practical knowledge. Rather, His primary concern is with the heart (1 Samuel 16). He has not blessed us with children, entrusting them to our care, in order for us to raise them to be polite, educated, productive heathens.

She focused on the word “train” (chanak), but the more important word is what we are to dedicate or train them to do. The passage in Proverbs 22:6 says “Train up a child in the way he should go” (italics added for emphasis). The Hebrew word here is derek which according to the Strong’s Concordance means such things as way, road, distance, journey, manner, path, direction, habit, course of life, and moral character. We are to train our children in the way of Jesus Christ who walked the road to the cross in order to save us from our sin enabling us to live in a manner, path, direction, habit, course of life, and moral character that is consistent with His righteousness which He bestowed onto us at salvation in order to present us holy and pleasing to the Lord (Ephesians 1:4).

The catechism I am using with my children asks and answers “Why did God make you and all things? For His own glory." (Psalm 19:1; Jeremiah 9:23,24; Revelation 4:11; 5:13) It goes on to ask “How can you glorify God? By loving Him and doing what He commands." (Ecclesiastes 12:13; Mark 12:29-31; John 15:8-10; 1 Corinthians 10:31)

13. When sexual abuse happens to children
It is absolutely despicable to blame parents, the mother primarily, as Pearl does (pp209-210) for any sexual abuse a child experiences, assuming the parents are diligent and thoughtful about whom they allow to be alone with their children. A mother should not be required to be with her children 24/7 until they are 18 years old in order to avoid being accused of failing to be a “keepers at home… that the word of God be not blasphemed” Titus 2:5 KJV (I chose to use her version here because the other versions do not use the word “blasphemed” which is the strong language she uses to condemn the mothers).

We should always strive to be wise and discerning, but we cannot let our lives be controlled by law or all of the “what if’s” in the world. Bad things happen in life. That really stinks! But the sin in our own lives and the consequences we may endure due to the sin committed by another show us our desperate need for a Savior. Mothers and wives do not hold all of the control for the outcome of children or marriages. We need to turn in humility to the One who is Lord of all Creation and allow God to be God over the good, the bad and the ugly that we will experience in life.

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Again, those are only some of the problems with the book, but they give a sample of what to be wary of if someone still chooses to read the book. There is some good stuff in the book scattered among the plethora of bad theology, opinions and advice, but I would suggest you find a more Gospel centered book if you are in need of encouragement or even correction.

The book brings up many challenging issues to ponder and offers countless opportunities to practice testing everything against scripture. I do not read any book that quotes scripture without having my Bible out to read the passage in context and at least do a quick check for cross references as the need arises (I added hyperlinks to this review to make it easier for any readers to follow up on the verses I inserted). It is too easy to be swayed by carefully crafted prose into believing something that is inconsistent with an accurate reading and handling of Scripture. Read the Bible yourself and allow the Holy Spirit to be your teacher as you test the words of fallible earthly authors and teachers.

Would I recommend this book? Not to most people, but I do think there is some value in reading books from other perspectives IF you have a firm foundation in Scripture, a critical mind, and wise friends to keep you from being swayed by false doctrine (Titus 1:9). Again, no Christian book other than the Bible is inerrant...some are significantly better and more Gospel and grace oriented than others.


Debi Pearl is clearly a fractured woman who is struggling to reconcile the theology she has been taught with what she sees and experiences practically in her own marriage and in other marriages. I believe she is struggling and hurting deeply due to the spiritual bondage in which she lives but is putting on a strong face to the world. Why do I believe that? Because she is unable to adequately answer questions about when a woman can speak her opinion or ask a question of her husband (p 192-196) and is unable to give an answer to the question about when not to obey a husband but is required to give that authority to discern over to her husband (p258). Most importantly, I know she is hurting because she is living under law and not under grace. She needs our prayer. She may not be the wise mentor she believers herself to be, but the Lord is not finished working on her. My prayer is that she grasps the reality and magnitude of Jesus’ grace and is then able to truly step out into a Gospel centered ministry rather than the damaging one in which she is currently involved.